I just threw up on my dentist
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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