A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
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