Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
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