I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
