i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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