I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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