I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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