You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
