Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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