If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
