Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize