My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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