my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
