If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
