My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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