i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
