Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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