In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
