We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
