Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
