I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
