when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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