Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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