nut hugger
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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