he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
