I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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