____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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