Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
