He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize