I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize