Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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