Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
