I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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