I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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