i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
BRING THE BAGELS
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
