she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
