i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
