Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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