The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
