The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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