how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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