I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
