just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
