I met the friendliest cop last night
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Randomize
