It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
