you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize