Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
