so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
