So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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