tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
