Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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