I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
