What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
