i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
