Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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