Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
