and i looked up. we had an audience...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
