Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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