I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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