Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
